End of Prep : WNBF Singapore 2019

A vlog to sum up my bikini prep for WNBF Singapore 2019.

It felt like a long an arduous process, especially in the last stages of prep, those days can feel like eternity. Now that it’s a wrap, my feeling is completely different, time really flew by so quickly, and I’ve savoured both the good and hard times of the prep.

PREP BEFORE AFTER

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2011-05Whenever people look at me and assume this lifestyle comes natural to me…it isn’t. I still take it as a day to day process, making the foundation stronger by laying brick by brick upon it. 

I will never be able to pen down my thoughts on why I have subjected myself to such a seemingly challenging process.  Besides my genuine love and respect for the sport, the learning process is very alluring to me. On the geeky side of things, I have collected very valuable datas of myself when it comes to caloric intake, fat loss rates, measurement…and how it all correlates with my well being (mood, energy, sleep, cognitive thinking) so on and so forth. Then there’s the challenge of fighting my impulses and restraining myself in our world where food is in abundance. Restraint, a word so foreign in my dictionary, I have to admit, I have been repeatedly humble by the experience.

I did not do the best I could, yet, I wouldn’t change anything If I was given a chance to go back. You truly learn from your mistakes, that’s how you grow.

This is a relatively short post as a summary of my prep, but I want to touch specifically on post-show food related issues. It has been about a week now, and my hunger signal is still very high despite pushing my calories back up to maintenance level. At this point, I still have to exert a certain level of effort to keep intake at bay. While I try to do my best to relax and give myself time, I decided with this prep, I will keep tracking and keep weight gain within a reasonable rate. Now that prep is over, I am also really looking forward to experimenting with certain eating protocol, such as Time restricted feeding and chrononutrition. I have also started using Renaissance Periodization ‘s female physique training template, and I shall report back soon.

Aside of that, I look forward to starting my nutrition course with Mac Nutrition University I am especially grateful for Alan Aragon who recommended it to me (I decided to try my luck to reach out and I was so surprised to receive his DM back, I definitely had a fan girl moment right there and then.) Our official lecture has not even started yet, and yet, I am already getting so much out of the mentoring lab, it’s mind boggling to me how much resources they offer to their students aside of the official course.

Blogging has been slow, I have to be honest dieting has effected my ability to string together sentences, and I look forward to more consistent writing here.

 

 

Distracted

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Image by Lenus.me

Being constantly pulled into multiple directions seems like all we do these days, stimuli often fill in the gaps : whether it’s eating with our screens, listening to podcasts/music when we drive, juggling between a million browsers as we work on our computers…I can go on and on.

On our flight back to Kuching, there was a solo female traveler seated next to us, with a thick book sitting on her lap. Once the seatbelt sign is off, she put the book down, took out a sandwich from her bag, ate her sandwich, cleaned up, and continue reading again. I jokingly mentioned to my husband how the simple ritual of eating differs between this western girl vs us, the Asians, if you go into restaurants and cafes, you will notice alot of Asians tends to eat with the screens infront of them. Either that, or they’d take a million photos of the food untill they become cold and soggy.

Couple of months ago, I forced myself to eat without distraction. Force is a strong word, but that’s how difficult it felt to me. I held on to it for a long time. However, the deeper I got into my prep, the harder it was for me to stick to the ritual, even now, I am still taken aback by how much dieting has impacted my ability to concentrate and stick to my habits, especially towards the last few weeks of my prep. I do thrive on routines and months of habits tracking has built a pretty solid foundation for me, still, I have succumbed to the temptations a few times.

I think setting rules and boundaries for ourselves is so important, even thou these habits may seems frivolous to most, but they can train your discipline and they will add up over time. There are some non-negotiable rules I set for myself daily, such as no screens before 7am (since I wake up at around 5am daily), daily meditation is a must, and I must include a daily 30 minutes, stimuli-free walk outdoor (no podcasts and no music) daily. These small accomplishments serves as daily affirmations for me.

“A lack of self awareness is poison, reflection and review is the antidote.”

“By constant self discipline and self control, you can develop greatness of character.”

“The most powerful control we can ever attain, is to be in control of ourselves.”

Ego, social media, and bodybuilding

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I am just a little under #4weeksout of WNBF Singapore, after battling bouts of high and low days, I am feeling better this week, I am feeling excited that the show is just around the corner.

I have planned everything that I needed to plan at the moment, there is some other details that I need from the show organizer, but at this moment, I feel prepared.

Everyday, I’d open up my journal to this page that reads “I am absolutely capable of fullfilling anything that is asked of me ; I have all the knowledge that I need to do this already inside me ; I am fully resourceful and able to rise to this challenge.”

What do I do without quotes…

I have just came back from KK (Sabah), and before I write about my thoughts on Ego and bodybuilding, I have to admit this blog post is inspired after being at a powerlifting event. I have flown there from Sibu to be with my best friend Dorothy (a Sabah native, but currently working and living in KL) as her entourage. There is a similarity with both powerlifting and bodybuilding, powerlifters and bodybuilders often don’t see eye to eye, bodybuilders tend to see powerlifters as being egotistic, and powerlifters just think bodybuilders are a bunch of narcissistic vainpots.  If only we could see how similar we all are,  infact, this similarity is consistent amongst all the different pursuit of sports.

Something Mike Tyson said on Joe Rogan’s podcast a while ago has stuck with me, about how he doesn’t lift weight anymore because he finds that it inflate his ego. A light bulb went off in my head, I then thought about my ego, my addiction with social media, narcissism, my constant craving for attention through either bodybuilding or powerlifting, I question my motive, when it comes to the hobbies I pursue, are they in control of me, or am I in control of them? Am I really doing it for self growth, or simply feeding my ego?

I will always be a great fan of both sports, and there’s a beauty in both the pursuit of strength and physique that captivate me. But with the rise of social media, so much of this has become about social approval. By focus my attention on pursuing it for self growth, I have gained a much deeper insight in the process. What was I looking for by posting my “progress” anyway ? Does it help me, or more importantly, others? I was clueless, I was simply a sheep in a herd, following what everyone else is doing.

I have battle with myself more times than I can count this prep. I have found great satisfaction in acknowledging my shortcomings and overcoming my challenges, all without posting or complaining on the social media. I do admit sometimes I slip, and let me emotions drive my actions, with that, I realize I need to safe guard my behaviour and never let my attention slip, because it is too easy to fall back into the rabbit hole.

There are many elements that makes a human being thrive : bodybuilding, powerlifting, or just lifting in general,  it is only a very small part of my self development journey. With bodybuilding, I understand it’s imperative that I use it to improve myself, let it build my character instead of the other way around. Bodybuilders aren’t egotistic, but physique and strength sports tends to attract egotistic people, keep ego in check, and it will nourish you.

 

 

Prep Journal : Six Weeks Out

I’ve been on a struggle bus lately, you can bet there’s a certain level of deceit whenever I share prep related updates, not because I am reluctant to be vulnerable, but mostly because I am more afraid of amplifying the negativity. Again, complaining really doesn’t make the situation better. I am the only one responsible for my prep, and I don’t want to complain about myself.

I am more clear headed now as I am typing this, as I had a good amount of food in me, (approximately 800kcal is consumed before I felt competent to type up this post) perhaps, I am using this opportunity to self reflect,  to sooth and convince myself that I’ll be able to pull through.

I’ve had my fair share of doubts, thoughts of giving up came up repetitively, then I thought about the effort, time and money I have invested in my prep, and I hesitated. With dieting, meal planning and training, I know I’ll have time to perfect my skill, but you can’t get the stage experience without stepping on stage, the answer was clear to me, I have made my decision then.

Momentary lapses happens, emotions rises and falls, instead of repressing them, I just have to wait it out.

I always have to remind myself this is a luxurious pursuit, it is the strangest thing you can put yourself through if you live a relatively comfortable life, you are literally inflicting pain on yourself, while your body fight against you to stay in homeostasis, you fight with yourself 24/7 to control your impulses.  Looking at this from another perspective, perhaps I am the lucky one, as there is no other pursuit in my life that requires this much mental restraint.

I have also learnt to be more forgiving with myself, some things will just have to take a step back at this point, as my energy level took a hit, my family and work requires alot of my attention, my book writing has definitely taken a step back. Regardless of how hard I try, without sufficient glucose, my brain just refuse to cooperate with me. I have also noticed I am more vulnerable to fall back into my old habits, I have started using coffee again after going through the awful withdrawal phase…I tend to look for distraction during meal times…so on and so forth. Even thou I know this is just temporary, I still feel bad regardless.

On the bright side of things…atleast I already beat her.

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Prep Journal : 10weeks out : Empathy

I think about empathy alot lately. Having empathy is being able to understand and share the feelings of the other, regardless of whether you share the same experience or not. The more I think about it, the more I feel skeptical, can we truly feel empathetic for someone without having to deal with similar circumstances ? Likely not.

Empathy is a virtue, but it’s existence is as rare as unicorn. I often think of myself as a empathetic person, but I think I am just a hypocrite.

The other day, my husband and I had a discussion on empathy, I was telling him it doesn’t really matter whether he understand the difficulty I am going through, but I need his empathy. Anya overheard our conversation, obviously, she doesn’t understand the meaning of “empathy”, but she chimed in and said : ” Yea dad, why you gotta be so rude? ”  (cue : The song RUDE by Magic) I got a good laugh out of it, she often has a way to soften the tension between us, and I am very grateful for that.

By requesting him to be more understanding, I am already being unreasonable, where is my empathy for him? Having a partner who has a peculiar hobby sure isn’t easy to deal with, and he didn’t sign up for this. I should be more empathetic towards him, instead of the other way around.

Phew ! I got the heavy stuffs out of the sack..let’s move on to the brighter side of things.

My prep started off rather slow, untill I started tracking food, then it finally picked up it’s pace. I am just a little over 10weeks out now, what I want to achieve with this prep is to do better than my previous prep. I definitely feel more mentally prepared this time around, I have much less anxiety, and I’ve built up a really good routine to mitigate all my other stressors, the only stressor I have now, is the deficit itself.

April VS June

Starting weight : 63kg

Current weight : 59.3kg

Pardon the different lighting, I eventually had to move posing practice as part of my morning routine because I get way too exhausted and demotivated to do it after a long day. Had to get it out of the way first thing in the morning (after meditation) (before the sun even rises)

I look forward to building up my upper body after this prep, given that I barely had time to recuperate after my last prep, as I really wanted to bag another prep and stage experience before I take time off. I’ll have time, as with natural bodybuilding, time will be your ally.

 

 

 

Prep Journal : 12 Weeks out : Prep brain

I may have experienced my multiple episodes of “prep brain” today. I usually let my thoughts ruminate for a few days, but today I felt compelled to sit down and pen down my thoughts.

I am currently at about 12 weeks out of #WNBF Singapore , up untill last week, I was still feeling alright. As things weren’t moving at the rate that we liked, we dropped 200kcals last week. Stress and fatigue accumulates, and it didn’t hit me untill today, I was thinking to myself, what a difference a day made, because up untill yesterday, I was still feeling alright. (not best, but today is just absolute poop)

Incident No 1

As I reversed my car out of my house for grocery earlier, I knocked my car into our neighbour’s car, as they were just turning in at the same time. Both of our cars are scratched and dented, and it was hard to pin point whose fault it was (they were coming in too fast, and I was going out too fast). We were both nice and civil about it, thou. I told them to get it fixed and send me the bill (truth to be told, I was too exhausted and I wanted to avoid conflict). I was shocked to learn from my husband that it might cost about 800-1000 to fix the car, I guess I will need to input that into my “bikini comp budget”

Incident No 2 

I actually mistaken another car as my car, and I stood there trying to get the car opened for a long time, I was thinking the key lock of my car must have ran out of battery. It was only after a few minutes, that I realize, that’s not my car, my car is all the way on the other side.

Incident No 3

My body is absolutely fried today but I still decided to take a dive at the pool for my swim practice. The public pool is 5 minutes walk from my house, and Andrew and Anya went there first by motorbike, and I follow suit by walking there later. I left earlier as Anya wanted to stay longer, I took my husband’s motorbike’s key and proceeded to walk home, as I thought I took our house key. Anya didn’t even have her slippers on and she walked all the way home, needless to say, I felt very bad. (She was awfully nice about it, kept saying how it was only a mistake and she was fine with walking home barefeet)

I understand things will get harder as I get closer to comp date, and drawing experience from my previous prep, the deficit seems to be effecting my cognitive thinking, as well as my emotional intelligence. It is precisely because of this reason that I’ve made many arrangements in relation to the competition well in advance, such as sorting out my flights/accommodation, as I remembered I made some booking mistakes my last prep (messing up the dates)

I have been extremely aware of how I carry myself and how I treat others, esp towards my husband this prep. It isn’t fair that he has to be the punching bag, as I chose to do this myself willingly. He has been supportive even thou he don’t understand the sport. And I need to be cautious of not taking him for granted.

It’s been a long day, and I am grateful to have this space for some self reflection as always. I cannot describe the relief I feel upon typing out these words, I often feel calmer and more collected when I reflect upon myself this way.

 

 

Week 1 : Coffee Abstinence

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So I visit this coffee shop every morning, by coffee shop, I really mean Malaysian’s style “kopitiam”, where the lady boss uses cheap local coffee powder to make the coffee, with condensed milk. I like the ratio of the coffee with the condensed milk she makes, it’s slightly bitter (due to the acidity of the cheap coffee powder) but sweetened with the condensed milk. I am addicted to my morning cup of coffee, made by her specifically.

As if Universe wanted to help me kick off the addiction, this lady boss told me she was going for a week-long vacation, I  was disgruntled, I remember telling her :”How am I going to survive my week without your coffee ?”

I decided perhaps it’s time for me to take a sabbatical from my coffee consumption.

I’ve toyed with the idea of coffee abstinence in the past, but it has never worked out. Most days I do 2 cups, somedays I try to do one cup. The main reason I wanted to try it was to see how it’s going to improve my sleep, I do notice my sleep hasn’t been optimal since my deficit has started, and at this phase, I can’t afford to use more calories to support my sleep (which should be, ideally) , and I just wanted to see how it’s going to effect me in terms of energy level, too.

The past week has been interesting :

Day 01 : So I usually have my first cup of coffee (with my meal) between 6.30am-7am) and I started having migraine around this time, and it went on for the whole day. I can count on the number of times I have migraine…which is rarely. It effected my mood and productivity level greatly, I had a hard time concentrating throughout the whole day. My mood was foul.

I started googling…whatever they say about “coffee withdrawal symptoms” I clearly had it. I grind through the first day

Day 02 : I started using some tea…in limited amounts. Ice lemon tea (yes..sweetened as always), and it kind of curb the craving of sipping something in the morning for me. Migraine and bad mood persists, I was starting to think maybe I can do one cup…but I grind it out.

Day 03 : Migraine still in full swing. I gave in and took 2 aspirin in the afternoon. It brought relief, I felt better that day.

Day 04 : Migraine is gone. The withdrawal symptoms seems to have subsided. I feel good today.

Day 05 : No more withdrawal symptoms. I also notice energy level is more constant, instead of the highs and lows I experience throughout the day.

Day 06 : My sleep got better. Thou i still battle with nocturnal urination (something I continuously work on) .I was able to sleep. I woke up feeling very refreshed and energised.

Day 07 : Not going back to using coffee, atleast for now.

I have alot of internal dialogues with myself, obviously. I would say things like :”You can work on your coffee addiction later, when you’re done with the prep, not now, this can be a powerful substance to help you through these few months of deficit.”

Or

“Why add another stressor when you’re already stressed?”

The problem is it’s all correlated in some way, I need to prime my sleep for more efficient fat loss. And when my sleep is good, everything feels good. Perhaps if you’re metabolically robust, coffee would be a good “supplement”, unfortunately, not for me currently.

I do miss coffee thou, either a good cup of latte, or a cheap kopitiam kopi peng.