Peanut butter kaya jelly

It was one of those mornings again : the dreaded holiday. I have the best intention not to rush through the morning, but with Anya around, things just don’t go as planned.

She was whining on the sofa, she said she was hungry.

“Eat the Horse Ear bread I bought you, you said you wanted it.”

“No…I want to bring that to Kid’s Cove.”

“Just eat half of it, and save half for Kid’s Cove.”

“No….” she proceeded to moan and cry on the sofa, with TV noise blaring in the background.

I was annoyed, as I was rushing up and down the stairs, the “light” came on. It’s one of those many instances where another being is talking to me internally, I call them “the light”.

“Pay attention to how you are behaving, you’re not a 6 year old, she is.”

I paid attention to my breathing then.

Grabbed her shirts, and I went to her, still whining on the sofa.

I drew in another breath, and I said. “Ok, so tell me exactly what you want.”

“Grandma’s bread with peanut butter and kaya.”

“Ok, now I know what you want.”

I prepared the sandwich for her.

“You see ? You gotta verbalise what you want. I don’t know what you want if all you do is scream and yell at me. We’re not animals, we don’t talk to each other like that.”

(It’s crazy how it always feels like I am talking to myself, whenever I talk to her. )

Eating her sandwich, she replied calmly, “Ok.” as if nothing has happened.

It’s so hard to believe, just minutes ago, she was screaming bloody murder at me. It’s like the switch is now turned off.

Her half eaten sandwich, wrapped in a tissue paper and placed on our car dashboard.

 

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Meditation

Meditation

The goal is not to become this person who meditates everyday, but just someone who can sit and enjoy their breaths, even as little as few minutes a day – (Credit to Haemin Sunim)

Every morning I lay these towel on the floor, and I usually meditate with the morning muslim prayer echoing in the background. My house is literally minutes away from a mosque and each morning, the prayer goes off at 5am sharp. I’ve no idea what the prayer is about, but it gives me a very zen like feeling.

I drift alot when I meditate, some days I do better than the other, but I drift. Haemin Sunim insists we are all born with an awareness, and it should come effortlessly : it’s actually harder to not be aware of ourselves.

So I often use his technique in my practice, whenever I find myself drifting, I’d say to myself in my head, with his voice : “Ah…Simmy, why would you have that thought? Now, go back to your breathing, and enjoy your breaths.” I would do it repetitively, for I would drift constantly. I became aware of my “drifting”, and I have to re-route myself back to the state I was trying to achieve : the state of absolute peace and mental clarity. To be honest, I’m not even close.

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