Being a motherless Mother

It was just a regular day, I always make sure I get a good meal in me before I pick her up from nursery (which is her teacher’s house), I’d put on a podcast and enjoy the 15 minutes ride (perks of living in Sibu, 20 minutes drive is considered a long drive for us local folks)

Her teacher is chatty, even thou most days I am exhausted and running low on patience, I try to linger and talk to her, mostly about Anya. Obviously, she can tell I am one of those parents that spoil their children (an obvious sign would be carrying her bags for her). Her teacher has been telling me it will be a difficult transition for her as she move on to primary school, she will need to be more independent and learn to take care of herself instead of me babying her all the time.

WhatsApp Image 2019-08-27 at 9.54.28 AM

Just the other day, my husband sent me a photo of parents waiting outside of a primary school, fetching lunch boxes over the school fence during their lunch break. I joked and told him that pretty soon I’ll join their ranks, too, just waiting outside with her lunch box, probably dapau from somewhere since she never likes the meals I prepare for her.

I understand alot of my behaviour stems from not having a mother growing up, it’s almost like I am trying to compensate because I was so deprived of the nurturing from a mother when I was a child myself. I go out of my way to take care of her and babying her, even thou I know the consequences it may causes. Unlike her, I had to learn to grow up very quickly. Now that I’m well into my adulthood, I came to appreciate how it has shaped my character, having to fend for myself from young age, I know she’s not going to have the same experience, being in a protected environment all the time.

When I was in primary school, (that was over 20 years ago) I remember I had a classmate, his mom always visits him during recess with a lunch box, day after day without fail. The image of them sitting side by side in the cafeteria, enjoying their meal together, is still very vivid in my mind. Although we used to joke about him being a “mommy’s boy” , but I was envious of him. Every Mother’s Day was painful for me, we were often instructed to make a special craft for our mothers, and I didn’t have a mother. I can still feel the sadness even after all these years, they never go away.

Being a mother has been very healing for me, it is through motherhood that I understand, a mother’s love never really go away. I know now even thou she’s not physically with me, her love is always here. I can feel it when I’m with her, the love I have for her, reminds me of the love my mother has for me.

All I need to do is to find a balance, because I don’t want her to be an annoying little spoiled brat.

969778_10151493755592714_615879790_n

 

2 thoughts on “Being a motherless Mother

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s