I’ve been on a struggle bus lately, you can bet there’s a certain level of deceit whenever I share prep related updates, not because I am reluctant to be vulnerable, but mostly because I am more afraid of amplifying the negativity. Again, complaining really doesn’t make the situation better. I am the only one responsible for my prep, and I don’t want to complain about myself.
I am more clear headed now as I am typing this, as I had a good amount of food in me, (approximately 800kcal is consumed before I felt competent to type up this post) perhaps, I am using this opportunity to self reflect, to sooth and convince myself that I’ll be able to pull through.
I’ve had my fair share of doubts, thoughts of giving up came up repetitively, then I thought about the effort, time and money I have invested in my prep, and I hesitated. With dieting, meal planning and training, I know I’ll have time to perfect my skill, but you can’t get the stage experience without stepping on stage, the answer was clear to me, I have made my decision then.
Momentary lapses happens, emotions rises and falls, instead of repressing them, I just have to wait it out.
I always have to remind myself this is a luxurious pursuit, it is the strangest thing you can put yourself through if you live a relatively comfortable life, you are literally inflicting pain on yourself, while your body fight against you to stay in homeostasis, you fight with yourself 24/7 to control your impulses. Looking at this from another perspective, perhaps I am the lucky one, as there is no other pursuit in my life that requires this much mental restraint.
I have also learnt to be more forgiving with myself, some things will just have to take a step back at this point, as my energy level took a hit, my family and work requires alot of my attention, my book writing has definitely taken a step back. Regardless of how hard I try, without sufficient glucose, my brain just refuse to cooperate with me. I have also noticed I am more vulnerable to fall back into my old habits, I have started using coffee again after going through the awful withdrawal phase…I tend to look for distraction during meal times…so on and so forth. Even thou I know this is just temporary, I still feel bad regardless.
On the bright side of things…atleast I already beat her.